(I posted this on a forum I frequent on the 11th of May)
This time 2 months ago (7:53am) my life was good, I was in some discomfort from the surgery I had had the day before, but my husband had sat by my side the whole day. When I started throwing up after the anaesthetic he was there mopping my brow and holding my barf bucket.
2 months ago, I woke up as he did, I was uncomfortable and wanted to take pain killers, but I needed to check to see if there were any work crisis before I could take pain meds and I had an appointment for the pest control chaps to come and evaluate the extent of our rodent problem.
I remember being groggy, Brian brought me my laptop, I checked mail, sorted out the very urgent things, logged off. I remember going to the kitchen to pack lunch for Brian, but he had done it already. I like to think I gave him a hug, but I can't really remember.
I came back to bed and was dozing when he came in to say goodbye. ANd I mumbled a goodbye and said "travel safe", he would have kissed me, but I can't remember. I like to think I also told him that I loved him, but I can't really remember.
The pest control guy arrived at 9 and gave me a quote and at 9:12 I called Brian and told him what the guy said and he said we should go ahead. I asked if I should ask my mom to go and get some mouse traps to speed up the process (the dogs had kept us up for about 3 nights due to rodent activity), he said yes.
I went to get money for my mom and hse asked what size trap should she get. I called him back and I could not get hold of him. And so my morning started, trying to get hold of him, leaving him messages, at first they were, hey babe please call me, eventually getting frantic, what the f*ck is going on, and when I realised that something was really wrong (I thought he may have been hi-jacked) I sent a message telling him that I loved him more than anything in the world and with all my heart, and that he had changed my life in so many ways, and that nothing else mattered, other than we loved each other.
I then went to the police station to register him as a missing person, so that they could be on the look out for his car and try and track his cellphone activity.
While I was at the police station, I got a call that I should come home immediately.
I arrived home and the chaplain was here to tell me that my husband had died in an car accident, he died on impact. And so my life changed in a split second, without having said good bye properly that morning.
And in a split second I became a widow, I lost half of my identity and I lost the person that I love most in this world. My soul mate, the very breath that made my heart beat, he was my reason and my purpose.
And so I have started trying to learn to live without him, the journey is hard and long and I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I can see that there are moments that are easier and I feel like I am going to get through this, and other times that I sit in a puddle of tears just wondering how the hell am I going to do this. But I always have a deep seated sense of loss.
I mostly still live in a fog, I still feel like I am in a foreign country without a map, I still fear the next 5/10/20/30/40/50 years without him. Actually, at times, I fear the next hour without him.
And now, as I will allow myself as long as neccesary, I will be having a bed day today, I will cry as I need to, listen to our favourite songs and generally have a pity party (very healthy in terms of grieving).
This time 2 months ago (7:53am) my life was good, I was in some discomfort from the surgery I had had the day before, but my husband had sat by my side the whole day. When I started throwing up after the anaesthetic he was there mopping my brow and holding my barf bucket.
2 months ago, I woke up as he did, I was uncomfortable and wanted to take pain killers, but I needed to check to see if there were any work crisis before I could take pain meds and I had an appointment for the pest control chaps to come and evaluate the extent of our rodent problem.
I remember being groggy, Brian brought me my laptop, I checked mail, sorted out the very urgent things, logged off. I remember going to the kitchen to pack lunch for Brian, but he had done it already. I like to think I gave him a hug, but I can't really remember.
I came back to bed and was dozing when he came in to say goodbye. ANd I mumbled a goodbye and said "travel safe", he would have kissed me, but I can't remember. I like to think I also told him that I loved him, but I can't really remember.
The pest control guy arrived at 9 and gave me a quote and at 9:12 I called Brian and told him what the guy said and he said we should go ahead. I asked if I should ask my mom to go and get some mouse traps to speed up the process (the dogs had kept us up for about 3 nights due to rodent activity), he said yes.
I went to get money for my mom and hse asked what size trap should she get. I called him back and I could not get hold of him. And so my morning started, trying to get hold of him, leaving him messages, at first they were, hey babe please call me, eventually getting frantic, what the f*ck is going on, and when I realised that something was really wrong (I thought he may have been hi-jacked) I sent a message telling him that I loved him more than anything in the world and with all my heart, and that he had changed my life in so many ways, and that nothing else mattered, other than we loved each other.
I then went to the police station to register him as a missing person, so that they could be on the look out for his car and try and track his cellphone activity.
While I was at the police station, I got a call that I should come home immediately.
I arrived home and the chaplain was here to tell me that my husband had died in an car accident, he died on impact. And so my life changed in a split second, without having said good bye properly that morning.
And in a split second I became a widow, I lost half of my identity and I lost the person that I love most in this world. My soul mate, the very breath that made my heart beat, he was my reason and my purpose.
And so I have started trying to learn to live without him, the journey is hard and long and I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I can see that there are moments that are easier and I feel like I am going to get through this, and other times that I sit in a puddle of tears just wondering how the hell am I going to do this. But I always have a deep seated sense of loss.
I mostly still live in a fog, I still feel like I am in a foreign country without a map, I still fear the next 5/10/20/30/40/50 years without him. Actually, at times, I fear the next hour without him.
And now, as I will allow myself as long as neccesary, I will be having a bed day today, I will cry as I need to, listen to our favourite songs and generally have a pity party (very healthy in terms of grieving).
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