Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The one year myth and other stories

Wow, it turns out I was no good at blogging. October 2009 my last update. I would like to say that it is because I got a life and because I was healing, but the reality is that I just did not have the energy or the will.

My road has been long and complicated.

I guess I survived my first Christmas and New Year, so hard, starting a new year without him. No Christmas tree or presents, I rolled into 2010 feeling so hopeless and helpless and sad.

I went overseas, I now realise I was trying to run away, but of course my pain followed, I went to the UK, met some friends and family, felt very alone travelling without Brian, collapsed in a heap the last few days of my trip. It was an important step but a very hard one, and not at all what I expected. Thank goodness for good friends and an amazing cyber support group.

And then the dreaded one year mark. Not sure that I can remember what I did, I think I stayed in bed. One year, remember, everyone said the 1st year would be the hardest, remember that today is 1 year .... well surprise surprise day 366 is no different to day 365, there is no reward for reaching the 'magic' 1 year mark. I now refer to is as the one year myth. There is no such thing as the first year is the worst. No year is better, no year is worse, you do at some point start learning to live without your soul mate, but you don't get better, you don't get over it.

My birthday, exactly 2 weeks after his sadversary, I asked my BFF to come and visit, she arrived the of my birthday, I took my immediate family and her out for dinner, to thank them for their love and support. BFF and I went off for a day spa, it was a nice weekend, but I wonder if my birthday can ever have a glimmer of joy again.

May was a trip to Switzerland and Portugal to meet some of my cyber friends, it was good, but difficult and hard to be away from home. It was also the first time I had been in a crowd since Brian had left this world, it was a bit overwhelming.

I had been suffering with depression and overwhelming sadness (no shit sherlock) and my doctor had been adjusting my anti-depressants etc. and by August, for the first time, I thought I could breath again. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, I could see where I was going, I was sore, I was sad, but I had purpose in my step, though still no purpose in life.

TBC

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